Starting-Up: The Art of Loneliness

In launching Frames of Reference, my journey thus far has seen me face a variety of challenges. While many of the trials I have encountered have been uniquely mine as a sole-trader pioneering a new business format, one challenge that I know to be more commonly shared among individually-led start-ups is loneliness. Not only does the specter of loneliness frequently loom over those setting out on their own, but it is arguably one of the hardest challenges to contend with in that it can be an emotional, intangible and illusive haunting. It is also not always readily talked about. I therefore wanted to share some honest thoughts, feelings and reflections on my experience of loneliness, and hopefully dispel the notion that loneliness is anything other than natural.

I would argue that entrepreneurs are like magicians. Not only do they create things, experiences and products in a way that can mystify and amaze others, I would deem their greatest skill to be the art of conjuring courage. And repeatedly. Almost every morning that I have awoken into another day of pushing my dream of FoR one stage closer to a reality, I have been aware of having to actively muster the courage and self-belief to do so. The experience of loneliness specifically demands this. It is something I was warned about, told how to handle and was subsequently on the look out for, but still loneliness has a remarkable way of undoing one’s courage in a venture like this.

Prior to setting out on my own with FoR, I have always functioned in professional spheres surrounded by other people. Whether in theatre, film, anthropology or collaborative art projects, there has always been a requirement for collective devising, continued social engagement and ongoing communication with colleagues. Equally, those that I have been working alongside were typically keen to engage and socialize; their character types having been attracted to their respective industries. On reflection it was probably this continual social presence and connectedness that I perceived as a social support and ultimately drew upon as the partial confidence required to branch out on my own. Not only was the courage of those around me contagious but their belief in me as a competent colleague and artistic source was frequently reaffirmed. Yet, in setting up FoR, I quickly found myself having to relocate to a different way of working, an inherent isolation and even a new city in my case. With this movement, my source of courage and external affirmation were displaced, suddenly leaving me to draw my strength from my lonely self. And at times, it can be very lonely.

The nature of loneliness as a feeling and an experience is fascinating in itself. Originally developed as an evolutionary signal, it is thought to have been intended as an internal warning that we are in danger. In our early days of walking the earth, humans supposedly felt loneliness in order that they were alerted to the possibility they may be outnumbered or vulnerable. Without anyone to help them hunt, venture out or watch over each other as they slept, their status was undoubtedly more perilous. So the feeling of loneliness was a crucial warning that they needed company to survive.

Moving forward to the present, loneliness becomes intriguing because while the feeling itself is still present and presumably similar in its formation, the context in which we exist is no longer the same. We do not require the presence of others to stay alive through the night, to find food, or to travel safely. And yet we feel the pain of it. It can also be argued that as we have become increasingly internally reflective we have become masters at justifying the feelings of loneliness we experience by mapping them onto other areas in our lives. We can instead question why we are not romantically paired. We can attest our loneliness to not having enough friends. We can convince ourselves we are lonely in our living situations. But the inherent danger that loneliness is associated with is not the same or as simplistic in the here and now.

Where loneliness can become truly problematic is when it lasts for extended periods of time. Cycles of extended loneliness can be challenging to break but can also be misconstrued as depression. This can partly be to do with the effects of our loneliness in relation to our social behaviours. When within an extended period of loneliness, an individual can come to feel endangered in a manner that prompts them to withdraw. Despite feeling lonely due to the lack of connections they are sharing with others, they go on to decline social interactions via withdrawal, in such a way that their loneliness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Loneliness of this sort can also prompt a fear of being criticized, which seems wholly relevant to the start-up experience. I know myself what it can be to feel that you are being isolated by your context or decisions to create your own company, and it can be tempting to then blame any loneliness experienced on yourself as a result. The longer you allow yourself to exist in this isolation, the more courage you have to draw from your solitary reserves in order to break out of the pattern you increasingly inhabit. The irony within my own journey is that even when faced with times like this, there has been no scenario that makes me feel more positively engaged with the company or positively connected to myself than when I am pitching. It is in such moments that I am acutely aware of not being alone but of being independent. Perhaps the greatest challenge that loneliness poses is a total disorientation of self-worth. However, it is essential that the entrepreneur comes to realize the value of keeping their own company. Here lies the crucial differentiation between loneliness and solitude:

               Loneliness = the pain of being alone

               Solitude = the glory of being alone

The company that you are setting up comes from you and is in that sense part of you. People will not and cannot share in the highs and lows of your set-up with the understanding or gravitas that you do. It is therefore essential that you learn to trust, believe in, celebrate and see the value in your individual stance within the work you do. You don’t have to be lonely: be independent.

But alas. That is much more easily said than done, and we all inevitably face moments of feeling a loneliness that can’t simply be reworked or dismissed. I will readily admit to moments of feeling crippled by loneliness, especially when so far into an artwork or an idea that my objective perspective has been totally overtaken by my subjective perception, which is in turn coloured by my own exhaustion or disorientation. Loneliness is a feeling that takes root in us for many reasons but it demands re-contextualisation in order that we prevail in it.

There are, of course, some simple tactics to try and overcome loneliness in the first instances. One recommendation that I have heard is to switch sides on the experience by becoming aware of other’s experiences of more permanent or extreme loneliness. The loneliness experienced when starting up a business on your own bears little parallel to the reality of homelessness for example. Sadly, in today’s society, we needn’t look far for visible cases of those that are without a home to go to. The loneliness I feel is usually temporary, and I have to remember that it is a result of a choice that I have made.

An obvious way to combat loneliness is to engineer social company. This can be done in one of two ways – especially for those that, like me, have had to change their geographical location to commit to a start up. Either we can socialize with those old and established connections or we can forge new bonds and friendships. The value in the former is that it can very quickly and with minimal effort resituate us internally, reminding us of who we are and how well we can connect to others. Old connections like this often lead to feelings of being understood, understanding ourselves, and thus feeling internally and externally connected. By contrast, creating new networks can require a little more effort but offers us an interesting opportunity for partial reinvention or at least reorbiting. I have certainly found since moving to Edinburgh that it can be extremely helpful to forge new friendships with those that are working on similar endeavours. In a different way to previously established friendships, they are likely to understand you and your current situation in a way that may be more foreign for those that have known you before now. Regardless of new or old, the maintenance of a social life can be crucial to the entrepreneur in dividing the day and permitting nourishing down-time. In addition to recreational time, it is this sense of belonging intrinsicly to our social networks that can safeguard us from feelings of loneliness and permits us to recoup and reinstate our reserves of courage.

If these words don’t read as being quite directive enough for you, then I would encourage that you read an article about entrepreneurial loneliness recently published on entrepreneur.com. Within this article, five key pieces of advice are outlined for combating the dangers of corrosive loneliness. These are as follows:

1)    Collaborate – if at all possible, create your venture in partnership with another person. Having a co-founder is an easy way to eradicate the fears inherent in being entirely alone within a project. If this isn’t possible within your particular business model then perhaps there is the opportunity to get others on board to take on the elements of your work cycle that you enjoy or excel in less, or alternatively there may be the scope for a shift in governance later down the line once your company is established.

2)    Co-work – if it isn’t possible to expand your team from within then there is the option of pursuing your work in the company of those that are working on their own projects. Sharing offices, studios or even coffee shops can also be a great way to meet people, feel more present in the working world, and have conversations with like-minded individuals that will make you feel understood.

3)    Convert – Where possible, take your loneliness and turn it into solitude. It is said that solitude brings us closer to our ‘God’. Whether that be your creative nirvana, your own thoughts or whatever else gives you clarity and meaning it is surely worth residing in that space. And while you are not God, you must always remember that you have your own power to create.

4)    Express your emotions – the best way to get over a negative feeling can simply be to express it. You need to manage your feelings rather than be managed by them, and the start-up journey is unlikely to be smooth-sailing for anyone. The turbulence and related feelings you experience are part and parcel of what you have elected to do, so don’t deny them. Get out your DVD of My Girl, pour yourself a wine and cry it out.

5)    Get Help – crucially, if the loneliness you experience does seem to be going that one step further it is essential that you seek help. Losing perspective is a real issue for many entrepreneurs, especially those working alone. So whether it be a parent, a mentor or a therapist that you reach out to, do make that call when you feel you need to. There is no shame in being aware of your need for support. It is completely normal and natural – especially when taking on such a huge endeavor. Reaching out is just responsible self-management.

Before concluding on loneliness, it does feel important to mention that, like beauty, it can lie in the eye of the beholder. In my experience so far it has been easy at times to assume my own loneliness as a very definite reality because of the fear I am confusing it with. When staring into the face of the next big challenge on this voyage it can be tempting to assume that your fear stems from your isolation. Not long ago at all, a friend was visiting me and while we walked around a gallery, she watched me and noted the tension in my face. Upon asking if I was ok, I told her that I was just very aware of the pending week, her departure and my soon-to-be loneliness. She then stated, with total sincerity, that I was not alone. In return I asked her with a similar sincerity, ‘but who is with me in this?’ And she replied, as if it were the most obvious of answers, ‘I am’. And in that moment I realised – with some embarrassment – that I was indulging in my own fear rather than seeing the wealth of friends and family alike that support me, are present for me, and believe in what I am doing. I acknowledge that I am lucky in many respects to have such people and thus invaluable support around me, but I’ll wager that if you are the sort to have committed to your own business then you probably know a similar system of support and from it draw a courage and an independence.

Entrepreneurship, in whatever form, is not an easy journey and those that embark upon it will be tested repeatedly. But loneliness isn’t ultimately helpful to us anymore. Like courage, practice its realisation as solitude, and when solitude is no longer fitting allow yourself to literally and figuratively see those around you and their support. Or alternatively see the value and bravery in the person who knows you best and will always have your best interests at heart: yourself.

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